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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 4:31 am 
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Zendan

You are the same age now as this boy that kill't himself. He found the "boy" that you are asking about.

Put your feelings down, and make a track.

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=25449

Let his mom know why the "boy" was worth more to him than his own life.


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 6:17 am 
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Sharris wrote:
Yeah Im actually doing really good, happiest I've ever been, good job, good support system. I mean I'm still on methadone, but I'm going down on my dose, weed helps a lot with that, I'm lucky it's legal here, so the methadone clinic is ok with it. & I don't really condone methadone......it's hard gettin off that shit. I went to rehab a few times & tried quiting many times before getting on methadone.
Makin beats tho......that was the last piece of the puzzle...... I've always played instruments & had a lot of hobbies, just trying to enjoy life, but nothing grabbed me like this beat thing. I feel blessed that I found it, so many people go thru life without finding something their truley passionate about.


big ups man. i'm happy for you. good shit

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HAWTKARL wrote:
The last thing we need is another utube sampling digital lo-fi anime beat maker.

IIIII wrote:
he can turn water into a beat, and feed a thousand dancehalls with only two drumbreaks

"If you want that '90s sound, record at 12 bit as HOT as you can."


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 7:11 am 
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Crane wrote:
Zendan

You are the same age now as this boy that kill't himself. He found the "boy" that you are asking about.

Put your feelings down, and make a track.

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=25449

Let his mom know why the "boy" was worth more to him than his own life.


i'm 21

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HAWTKARL wrote:
The last thing we need is another utube sampling digital lo-fi anime beat maker.

IIIII wrote:
he can turn water into a beat, and feed a thousand dancehalls with only two drumbreaks

"If you want that '90s sound, record at 12 bit as HOT as you can."


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 7:12 am 
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chasing the dragon as i browse this forum rn :idea:

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HAWTKARL wrote:
The last thing we need is another utube sampling digital lo-fi anime beat maker.

IIIII wrote:
he can turn water into a beat, and feed a thousand dancehalls with only two drumbreaks

"If you want that '90s sound, record at 12 bit as HOT as you can."


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2018 3:49 pm 
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You're somethin else Zendan. I can't help but like you tho

Edit: that sentence could be read a few ways......I just meant, I can't help but like you......even tho you say a lot of stupid shit :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:07 am 
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Long ago, when I made the decision to smoke weed, I resisted it growing up, because I didn’t want to be like my hippie parents. But I realized that it wasn’t that big of a deal. At the time I was in a weird orbit, trying to figure out what I would do with my life since my plans of the Navy didn’t pan out. Since I wasn’t cut out for the military life, it felt like weed was a door I could now open.

But then where do you go from there? I went to a rave with some friends & popped my first ecstasy pill. A guy was selling acid, so I took that with it. And it was like life changing. I guess I re-evaluated my life on the spot, and decided the drugs I was interested in trying didn’t have the monkey on your back, telling you to go get more. Never had to do crime to consume what I could get. Tried mushrooms, more acid, more ecstasy, Nitrous Oxide, 2cbi, etc.

Knew this girl who did coke. She cut me a line & offered it. This was a drug I swore I wouldn’t touch, but I guess it was free, so it was a chance to see if I liked it. Took the toot and then the effects kick in. I couldn’t feel my nose when I touched it. My brain was like “What else is supposed to happen?”. Nothing. It did nothing but make my nose feel numb. Stupid. Never touched it since.

Shrooms started to take me to dark places, and made me suicidal. That wasn’t fun anymore. I had to take that off my list. Did some acid 2 years ago, but I find that I can handle it, but it’s harder to find, so I just stopped taking it. Haven’t taken a Molly since my birthday, but it was alright.

I now feel like spending less on going out, drugs/drinks, and spending time/money on gear. The money I spent on drugs over the years, could have been spent on loads of gear, but some of the best times I had were nights I went out to get high. I never had my parents toss me into rehab. Never got arrested (but had a close call a time or two), and I never tried meth, crack, OxyCodons, Methadone, etc.

The thing I learned was, drugs are ok if you use them in moderation. But sometimes I would get in trouble with work when I refused to come in to work, because I’d rather catch up on sleep. Now I’m trying to work as much as I can, so I can scrape & scrounge my cash for my studio. The thought of wasting a few $20 bills on a night out, and trying to figure out how to get home from where I’m stuck at, just seems like a waste now. So maybe I just feel like I’ve had my fun with drugs, but it’s time to just stick with weed.

I don’t judge others. If someone hit the bottle, got hooked on prescription meds & switched to heroin, or tried crack and got hooked, is unfortunate if they never ditched their habit, but if they did, I’m happy if they got clean. If they can’t shake their demons, hopefully they will.

Nobody is perfect. We only have 1 life, we just got to live with the cards we’re dealt.

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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 7:42 am 
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Addictions are funny things. You have to see them for what they are to combat them. When you take a drug, only part of what you feel is the effects of the drug. Blocking sensory organs, mildy poisoning you, or whatever. The other part is your bodies' natural reaction to trauma, the release of dopamine, serotonin, etc. If you continue to deplete these natural, self made drugs, they take longer to build back up. The side effects of depleting them is depression. The more drugs you take the more tolerant you become to them, having to take larger doses to get the same effects. Over long term use, you will eventually hit a wall where they are no longer working or worse... That rabbit hole goes deeper than 6 feet.

Your only suppose to take the drugs until you get the message.
Then you quit the drugs and keep the message... forever.

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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 1:09 pm 
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Headphones wrote:
Long ago, when I made the decision to smoke weed, I resisted it growing up, because I didn’t want to be like my hippie parents. But I realized that it wasn’t that big of a deal. At the time I was in a weird orbit, trying to figure out what I would do with my life since my plans of the Navy didn’t pan out. Since I wasn’t cut out for the military life, it felt like weed was a door I could now open.

But then where do you go from there? I went to a rave with some friends & popped my first ecstasy pill. A guy was selling acid, so I took that with it. And it was like life changing. I guess I re-evaluated my life on the spot, and decided the drugs I was interested in trying didn’t have the monkey on your back, telling you to go get more. Never had to do crime to consume what I could get. Tried mushrooms, more acid, more ecstasy, Nitrous Oxide, 2cbi, etc.

Knew this girl who did coke. She cut me a line & offered it. This was a drug I swore I wouldn’t touch, but I guess it was free, so it was a chance to see if I liked it. Took the toot and then the effects kick in. I couldn’t feel my nose when I touched it. My brain was like “What else is supposed to happen?”. Nothing. It did nothing but make my nose feel numb. Stupid. Never touched it since.

Shrooms started to take me to dark places, and made me suicidal. That wasn’t fun anymore. I had to take that off my list. Did some acid 2 years ago, but I find that I can handle it, but it’s harder to find, so I just stopped taking it. Haven’t taken a Molly since my birthday, but it was alright.

I now feel like spending less on going out, drugs/drinks, and spending time/money on gear. The money I spent on drugs over the years, could have been spent on loads of gear, but some of the best times I had were nights I went out to get high. I never had my parents toss me into rehab. Never got arrested (but had a close call a time or two), and I never tried meth, crack, OxyCodons, Methadone, etc.

The thing I learned was, drugs are ok if you use them in moderation. But sometimes I would get in trouble with work when I refused to come in to work, because I’d rather catch up on sleep. Now I’m trying to work as much as I can, so I can scrape & scrounge my cash for my studio. The thought of wasting a few $20 bills on a night out, and trying to figure out how to get home from where I’m stuck at, just seems like a waste now. So maybe I just feel like I’ve had my fun with drugs, but it’s time to just stick with weed.

I don’t judge others. If someone hit the bottle, got hooked on prescription meds & switched to heroin, or tried crack and got hooked, is unfortunate if they never ditched their habit, but if they did, I’m happy if they got clean. If they can’t shake their demons, hopefully they will.

Nobody is perfect. We only have 1 life, we just got to live with the cards we’re dealt.


+1 +1 +1 +1 +1

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HAWTKARL wrote:
The last thing we need is another utube sampling digital lo-fi anime beat maker.

IIIII wrote:
he can turn water into a beat, and feed a thousand dancehalls with only two drumbreaks

"If you want that '90s sound, record at 12 bit as HOT as you can."


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 1:10 pm 
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HUNGRYMAN wrote:
Addictions are funny things. You have to see them for what they are to combat them. When you take a drug, only part of what you feel is the effects of the drug. Blocking sensory organs, mildy poisoning you, or whatever. The other part is your bodies' natural reaction to trauma, the release of dopamine, serotonin, etc. If you continue to deplete these natural, self made drugs, they take longer to build back up. The side effects of depleting them is depression. The more drugs you take the more tolerant you become to them, having to take larger doses to get the same effects. Over long term use, you will eventually hit a wall where they are no longer working or worse... That rabbit hole goes deeper than 6 feet.

Your only suppose to take the drugs until you get the message.
Then you quit the drugs and keep the message... forever.


yeah deadass i can do enough H to kill a new user and not feel shit

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HAWTKARL wrote:
The last thing we need is another utube sampling digital lo-fi anime beat maker.

IIIII wrote:
he can turn water into a beat, and feed a thousand dancehalls with only two drumbreaks

"If you want that '90s sound, record at 12 bit as HOT as you can."


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 7:04 pm 
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You agree with him, but call him a deadass, what's that about. I think he's just tryin to help/educate (not just you but anyone else reading this), not tell you what to do or talk down to you....or attack you.

I don't know. I could be wrong, I don't know you..... but it seems like you've been thru some shit & got fucked over by people......makin it hard for you to trust & always in defense mode. You come out swingin. I could be wrong & don't mean to psychoanalyze you, it's not my place. Just putting that out there in hopes that if that IS the case, people might understand you a bit more. & get off your dick. I noticed you act pretty civil until someone talks shit OR you THINK they're talkin shit, then BAM shit gets crazy. I'm def not sayin it's all you. People are comin at you hard.


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 7:47 pm 
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Headphones wrote:
Long ago, when I made the decision to smoke weed, I resisted it growing up, because I didn’t want to be like my hippie parents. But I realized that it wasn’t that big of a deal. At the time I was in a weird orbit, trying to figure out what I would do with my life since my plans of the Navy didn’t pan out. Since I wasn’t cut out for the military life, it felt like weed was a door I could now open.

But then where do you go from there? I went to a rave with some friends & popped my first ecstasy pill. A guy was selling acid, so I took that with it. And it was like life changing. I guess I re-evaluated my life on the spot, and decided the drugs I was interested in trying didn’t have the monkey on your back, telling you to go get more. Never had to do crime to consume what I could get. Tried mushrooms, more acid, more ecstasy, Nitrous Oxide, 2cbi, etc.

Knew this girl who did coke. She cut me a line & offered it. This was a drug I swore I wouldn’t touch, but I guess it was free, so it was a chance to see if I liked it. Took the toot and then the effects kick in. I couldn’t feel my nose when I touched it. My brain was like “What else is supposed to happen?”. Nothing. It did nothing but make my nose feel numb. Stupid. Never touched it since.

Shrooms started to take me to dark places, and made me suicidal. That wasn’t fun anymore. I had to take that off my list. Did some acid 2 years ago, but I find that I can handle it, but it’s harder to find, so I just stopped taking it. Haven’t taken a Molly since my birthday, but it was alright.

I now feel like spending less on going out, drugs/drinks, and spending time/money on gear. The money I spent on drugs over the years, could have been spent on loads of gear, but some of the best times I had were nights I went out to get high. I never had my parents toss me into rehab. Never got arrested (but had a close call a time or two), and I never tried meth, crack, OxyCodons, Methadone, etc.

The thing I learned was, drugs are ok if you use them in moderation. But sometimes I would get in trouble with work when I refused to come in to work, because I’d rather catch up on sleep. Now I’m trying to work as much as I can, so I can scrape & scrounge my cash for my studio. The thought of wasting a few $20 bills on a night out, and trying to figure out how to get home from where I’m stuck at, just seems like a waste now. So maybe I just feel like I’ve had my fun with drugs, but it’s time to just stick with weed.

I don’t judge others. If someone hit the bottle, got hooked on prescription meds & switched to heroin, or tried crack and got hooked, is unfortunate if they never ditched their habit, but if they did, I’m happy if they got clean. If they can’t shake their demons, hopefully they will.

Nobody is perfect. We only have 1 life, we just got to live with the cards we’re dealt.


My whole family is or had alcoholic problems. I started to get some when 16, 17 and the thing quick grow on me. In a year it went from something that I did on weekends to an everyday habit and I luckily realized quite fast what I was doing. Hiding feelings, trying to trick me to not even trying to get out of the hole etc destroying myself on the process. After some months I decided that I would quit and I just did it. The thing that I'm trying to say is that you need to be aware that your story is a rare one, like mine. I went from totally wasted and broke to being well (alcoholic speaking, cause I'm still fucked up and totally broke lol). Usually, people can't easily get out of it.

So... I'm not into like "well... you can use it, be wasted and quit when you are not feeling it anymore" cause I saw some people lose their shit and had some friends (not close ones, but I think that it counts) that killed. themselves in the process. Not that you said that, but I figured out at least to me that I'm very blessed to had to get out through it so easily and I would not like people trying their luck on this by my "successful" story.

But, things are what they are, people get fucked up and drugs sometimes are what they found to get them going on. The problem is that synthetic drugs will fuck up your biological system and beyond a point, there will be no return, your organs will be crippled, your neural system will not have what it needs and the shit goes on. Not trying to be an anti-drugs ad here lol, but this is just what happens.


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:46 pm 
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zendanisdead wrote:
yeah deadass i can do enough H to kill a new user and not feel shit


I bet you can too. But why go out that way? Most people that overdose don't die from the drugs, if they are lucky they might die from cardiac arrest or a brain hemorrhage, but it's more common that they blackout and die from suffocating on their own vomit. Picture that for a moment, the #4 chicken finger combo you last ate, plus stomach bile, making it's way up from your belly, filling your lungs until you choke to death from lack of oxygen, on ground up bits of breaded chicken and foamy stomach acid.

I have had a couple friends that went out this way. Every now and then, I visit their graves and wonder what their lives would be like today. One of them has a 16 year old daughter, that was 8 months old when he passed. She'll never know how fucking funny her dad was. He was dancing on stage at our graduation and had a 1000 people cracking up at him. He had his own demons too, but he chose to hide them and make other people laugh to help them feel better. It's funny sometimes, how the most tortured people in the world, usually carry the brightest light. If they can overcome their own pain, they can become a beacon to lead others out of the shit storm.

Let's face it, we all gotta die eventually. But one day after you die, someone will tell your story to another person that never knew you. Don't let the last sentence in that story be the vomit one.

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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:58 pm 
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I guess it’s just how I function. I’ve always been the type of person who loves a good time. I was the outcast in high school. Didn’t date, have many friends, go to homecoming or prom, because I lived too far away from my school to do any of that stuff. So I didn’t drink or use drugs in high school.

But I may have damaged my DNA on the years of all the acid/MDMA, but it’s not like I can change my fate. I took drugs to cope with my shyness maybe? I felt like the life of the party on them. I could talk to anyone on them. But dating wasn’t always easy, and some girls I kicked it with one weekend avoided me the next. But I never got them pregnant either and had kids, which is maybe just as well.

I miss the adventure of never knowing what might happen or who I might meet at parties. But I spent allll that money, and don’t have much to show for it. If I kept journals, I could have probably wrote a interesting book, but I didn’t really do that in my 20’s/30’s. I feel like I could have done more with my life if I had never gotten involved in drugs, but oh well.

I can get depressed sometimes over things. But I’ve never physically ever beat up a girlfriend, or stalked one who didn’t want to date me. I guess I’m not that much of a bad guy. Too much nice in me. But, music is what I want to do, and it’s for my own satisfaction.

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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 11:13 pm 
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Wise words Hungryman so fucking true. Not only that, think about the other way it could go....say the drugs DON'T kill you.......like my dad..... so much talent, funny as fuck, attractive, he was my idol....... but an alcoholic, heroin addict........ surprised his heavy use didn't kill him.... instead year by year I watched him deteriorate.....slowly lose his mind & everyone that loved him (plus his wife died, my stepmom, of a drug overdose)....... now he's 65, looks like he's 90, lives with his mom, 2 heart surgeries, hepatitis, cancer & all he does is cry. He's been trying to get a hold of me, but I'm having a hard time calling him back. He actually opened my eyes a bit when I was younger.........I was NOT going to turn out like him. Fuck that shit.
The mind can be a fucked up place. I get it, what's the point of living & living clean if you're unhappy. That's the way I felt. What's the point. I just wanted to be happy. Problem is, the drugs make it worse. You're just holding the pain off for now, but you can't hold it off forever & the longer you hold it off the more powerful it gets. You CAN be happy, it's your choice. We all have a choice. For some the choice is harder, but still, it's your choice.
No more preachin, I'm done. & I'm sorry. It's just there ARE people that understand & people that care....people that care that don't even know you. & still care. & people that found the answer & wish they could help other people see. Help others find the answer. That's all. No one should suffer.


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 Post subject: Re: wondering
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2018 11:41 pm 
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zendanisdead wrote:
yeah deadass i can do enough H to kill a new user and not feel shit


Yeah until you accidentally take a 'hotshot' and they find you in a pile of your own blood,shit and puke with a dirty syringe stuck in the veins of your weak as piss junkie arms.

We may have our differences Zendan but seriously, go and get some help and sort your fucking self out dude.

I actually feel sorry for you now.



HUNGRYMAN wrote.

I bet you can too. But why go out that way?

I'll echo what Sharris has stated here, wise words Hungryman, very wise indeed.

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Last edited by Danswift on Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:37 am, edited 3 times in total.

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